You are now free, I never will be. 

This piece has been written, courageously, just days after the anonymous authors fathers death. 

Remember if you need support, then Nacoa is ready to offer that.

If you feel you want to share anything as the child of an alcoholic then contact us here. 

I wrote your eulogy today, I should be writing to you with pictures of your grandson.
In two weeks I’ll walk your coffin down an aisle, who will walk me down the aisle when I marry?

I’ve held your hands through my childhood and adult life, you should have been holding mine.

I carried your problems with me everyday, you couldn’t carry me to bed.

I have spent so many nights falling asleep with tears running down my cheeks, whilst you have have used your bottles of whisky as a sleeping pill. 

I have tiptoed around you to avoid anything that might cause you to drink or make you angry, you have got me out of bed in the middle of the night just for an argument. 

I have the best memories of my childhood, you ensured a negative memory that directly followed that evening. 

I spent my life clinging to a glimmer of hope that you could change, you would come through one day, I could fix you. You spent your life making excuses not to.

You have taken your life, but the truth is you had taken mine so many years ago. 
I will feel guilt for the rest of my life, your guilt was numbed with whisky. 

You expressed so much hatred and venom towards me, I love and idolise you more than I ever have.

Once again, as I lay you to rest, I pick up the pieces of your illness, once again, you are oblivious. 

You are now free, I never will be. 

4 Comments Add yours

  1. SMOsays says:

    Holding the author in my heart, with love and hope that the author finds their way toward healing and forgiveness for themselves, their loved one and the relationship the disease tragically impeded.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Annie T says:

    Please don’t feel alone, a wish to make you my COA child. I’d wrap you up safe from all that harm. Smile at your lovely face every day and tenderly care for you. So know that us COA’s care very much and love you even though we don’t know you x. Please keep this in your subliminal pocket.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. acarecovery says:

    Bless you. You’re anger is completely understandable. But you can be free. This can be the beginning of your new life. It’s all in your own hands and you can change anything you want to.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Alison says:

    It’s so hard when our parents let us down so badly through no fault of our own. I’m so sorry for your loss of your father, and all your losses. I hope you reach out for some help from nacoa and from some counselling to unravel all of this . Wishing you love and peace xxxxx

    Liked by 1 person

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