I Have Hope And Dreams Of A Future.

Here we have another brave anonymous piece. Always remember that Nacoa are always available to offer help and support.   Also, if you feel like you would like to share something with us then you can contact us here. 

I lived with mum, dad and the older sibling in a Council house in Manchester. I only saw dad briefly every Sunday Morning before he left to go to the pub by 11am. Mum told me that he worked away all week and Sundays was his day off, which excused his drunken behaviour. Dad would come home around 3.30pm when pubs closed until evening. He usually brought home with him men mostly young single men (a different one each week) who he felt sorry for, mum would cater for these stranger’s who would stare at me for much longer than they should have done.

Dad would have us dance and entertain them before sleeping it off ready to go back out later when the pubs reopened.

Mum and the older sibling were extremely cruel to me Monday to Saturday and both of them abused me emotionally, mentally, physically, and sexually. So I associated dad on Sunday being some kind of hero because the abuses would be shorter than usual.

As I got older I began to smell dad during the week but rest assured I was told that he worked away and so it must have been the scent of pub lingering. Mum Started acting more strangely than usual and fully neglected me but doted on the older sibling. Our house was a museum which mum was forever tweeking and moving furniture at different angles to see if anyone noticed. I would tell relatives about mum and the older sibling, but mum being the adult quickly turned any exposure back around on me , so adults especially wouldn’t entertain me just incase I accused them too. I was 12 when younger sibling was born older sibling constantly stayed out by this point because she had friend’s. Mum told us how much she hated our guts and started being more physically and verbally violent than ever. She also started planting and setting up hazards around the house, I was always injuring myself whilst she pretended to care. She wanted dad out and was forever packing his bag’s and so I packed mine too, it wasn’t difficult I only had one outfit and a school uniform. The chaos was just horrific and mum now used sleep deprivation too as a weapon. I lost count of how many times I almost jumped out of the bedroom window because of a suggested fire. 

Mum was diagnosed with post natal depression, nowadays it’s called postpartum I didn’t know what it was, but I knew this female who on the outside portrayed the perfect mother and wife but inside she was insane and wanted us to join her. At this time dad had bouts of weeks of withdrawal from alcohol rather going out to the pub, then he would certainly make up for it when he did go out.

I left home at the age of 18 I had a job, a flat and a full night’s sleep without being disturbed, but it was only a temporary respite for a couple of years.

The council decided that they were knocking flats down to make green spaces for those in house’s and my flat was included. Mum had it already arranged that I was moving in the house opposite them- the house I was abused in, but mum was still in charge and I always complied. 

I met my partner at work and we soon became a couple and I got pregnant. Mum became more of a nightmare than ever and had taken over my home arranging furniture and taking care of my finances and putting us more and more into poverty. My partner didn’t take to my parents and they hate him in fact they hate everyone.

Our child was born but I was very poorly and after much testing it revealed that I have a genetic Disease with Adult onset.

I have limited ability and my mum was overjoyed and took delight in taking my baby so I could get some rest, little did I know that she was grooming my child to hate me and my partner.

Dad was diagnosed with mouth cancer and mum finally ‘came out’ and decided she had done her time and she was having a life, she changed her frumpy style for a much younger one and deserted us. She still came back to put her head down. So It was me that was with dad I had to learn from Nurse’s how to feed him, clean him etc.

I swapped my child for a dying enabling alcoholic dad. 

For five years we survived with the notion of him dying at any time and I didn’t want to leave him.

The crux of the matter came when mum who had by now taken driving lessons passed her test and got herself a car, started meeting up with the driving instructor. Her speech was filthy and her cruelty somewhat more intense. I didn’t want to be around her let alone my child. I began to lose interest in the parent’s and family. The older sibling now with her own two children started to emotionally and mentally abuse me and I didn’t like it. I kept my distance but they didn’t.

I finally walked into the parent’s house and discovered mum beating and battering dad who was still dying at the time. It was the most horrifying thing I have seen and now have PTSD. I called for help from all possible sources and all of them came away with ostracising and hating me just like it was when I was younger.

The parent’s both deny the crime, the siblings witnessed this too but they agree with mum and allow it to happen.

As it stands now we’re still harassed, smeared and ostracised nothing new, but I have changed and am no longer in contact with the faux family. In the silence and rest from their voices I began a Spiritual’ journey, I have hope and dreams of a future. I have made some true friends on my journey who advise me well, in fact that’s how I got here with a snide remark from a drunk colleague which prompted another colleague to speak up and out about her alcoholic dad and upbringing, which was similar to mine and made me admit and share my experiences too! My colleague is a retired nurse, and still works in the social work sector and she told me that even though she has a drink of alcohol on occasions she attends AA and other support groups to help in her healing. She recognised that I’m still at the beginning of mine so to speak and told me about Nacoa. I immediately searched for Nacoa when I got back from a conference and it feels like home. I found a place of trust, and my fellow coa’s!! Thank you for leading the way.

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