I Hated Your Alcoholism, But I never Hated You.

This piece has been written anonymously and is in the style of a letter to the authors alcoholic father. It is hugely moving and powerful. If you feel affected by a parents drinking then please do not hesitate to contact Nacoa. If you would like to share as someone affected then please get in touch. We also have a secret Facebook group that I can add you if you contact me through my Facebook page. 

I miss you dad, I really do. And I don’t know what to do with all these feelings. I don’t know why it’s suddenly hit me so hard. It feels so raw and painful and my heart literally aches with the grief and the unfairness of it all.
I so wish things could be different. I wish you were still alive. I wish you could see me graduate from Uni. I wish you could see me working for an organisation I love. I wish you could see me do more runs. I wish you could see me get married, have kids, do all those things that a father should see.
I wish I could have helped you more. I wish I could have been there for you more. I wish I could have stopped you drinking, and I wish I could have been there for you when you were alone. I wish I was there for you more when you were in hospital and I wish I’d stayed longer the day you died. I wish you were still here with me, and I wish I didn’t have to live the rest of my life wondering what if.
I’m sad, and I’m angry, and I’m hurt, and I’m upset, and I feel guilty and frustrated and lonely and confused, and I’m grieving and it’s so painful because I can’t talk to anyone about it, and sometimes the one person I want to talk to is you, but I can’t.
I’ve got so many painful memories of you being unwell, and especially those last few weeks and days of your life. I wish I could turn back the clock, and I wish you could have got the help you needed and could have seen a way out of your problems.
You had so much to live for, and you were so kind and funny and gentle. I loved your sense of humour, and your quirky intelligence and your love of Queen, and cats, and your cooking mishaps. There’s so much I didn’t know about you too, your likes and dislikes, your interests, how you spent your days. I’m sorry I didn’t spend more time getting to know these things. I hope you weren’t angry or upset at me for this.
I love you from the bottom of my heart. I always have, and I always will. I hated your alcoholism, but I never hated you, and I’d give anything to spend one more day with you.

One Comment Add yours

  1. Ben Aqiba says:

    Wonderful post and I must say so sad…..

    Liked by 1 person

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