A Constant Undoing.

This short, yet powerful piece is written by Eleña H. If you feel affected by what you read always remember Nacoa offer an amazing first point of contact for anyone affected by a parents drinking. If you would like to share as the child of a alcohol abuser then please visit here. 

We also now have a ‘secret facebook page’, where members share peer to peer support. The group cannot be found by any search and only other members know you are in there. If you are interested in joining then please visit my facebook page, send me a friend request and private message and I can get you in. 

The fear that I experienced as a helpless child shaped the very makeup of my body and mind. Constantly poised not to defend myself, but to accept the guilt, shame and blame. Countless vivid memories of my mom’s angry face looking down at her little daughter, the only one left around to direct this all towards. Because everyone else was able to leave. But I was stuck. Stuck in a state of fear.

How do I release this pose that I came to understand as normal? How do I relearn how to approach life from a place of trusting myself? How do I stop my mother’s sickness from controlling my life from beyond the grave? How do I let go of these traumas so that I am not constantly re-triggered?

How do I create my own sense of safety?

I take care of myself in the ways that only I am capable of doing. I sit quietly with myself, so that I may clearly understand what it is that I need. I move my body in mindful ways, so that these traumas may be released. So that I may be free. I create pieces of art that honour the childhood that I was robbed of. I must practice taking myself and life less seriously. I must laugh. I must dance. I set healthy boundaries for myself. I practice being kind to others. I spend quality time with me. I practice loving myself. I practice accepting myself.

3 Comments Add yours

  1. Ali says:

    Very thoughtfully and beautifully put. Thankyou for sharing your story. I love your descriptions of self care , many of those techniques I also use.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. enhorvitz says:

      Thank you, Ali. Your words mean a lot. I’m glad to hear that you have figured out self care techniques that work for you too.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Denise says:

    Absolutely beautiful written and reminded me of how valuable I am

    Liked by 1 person

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