I Will Meet You Here

Today we have a hard hitting piece anonymously written that finishes with a strong and meaningful message of hope. If you feel affected as a coa then Nacoa offer amazing help and support. If you would like to share as someone affected by a parents drinking then please get in touch.

My alcoholic mother died when I was 12.

Cirrhosis of the liver.

Alone in the home with her (drunk) most of the time.

I was the one who called the ambulance.

My grandma had died two months earlier.

Also an alcoholic.

Familiar with addiction at a young age.

A little girl forced to grow up.

My oldest sister took her life two years later.

A little girl familiar with death at a young age.

So many subsequent years of acting out of fear.
Every memory from my childhood drenched in fear.
Fear of addiction.
Fear of speaking.
Fear of speaking up.
Fear of being heard.
Fear of being seen.
Fear of being wrong.
Fear of making her mad.
Fear of making anyone mad.
Fear of disappointing.
Fear of messing up.
Fear of failure.
Fear of success.
Fear of commitment.
Fear of attention.
Fear of being irresponsible.
Fear of being responsible.
Fear of death.
Fear of myself.

It has taken many years of revisiting terrifying memories.
It has taken many years of recognizing knee-jerk reactions.
It has taken many years of letting myself feel deep-rooted anger.
It has taken many years of digging up pain and sitting in darkness.
It has taken many years of allowing myself to deserve inner peace.
It has taken many years to learn that a positive outlook is a decision.
It has taken many years to see that I have the potential to guide others.
It has taken many years of consciously choosing not to let my past rule me.
It has taken many years to understand that I have the power to direct my own life.

My eyes now meet the gaze of others, so much less afraid.
My chin is held a little higher.
I am allowed to breathe, big full breaths.
Not the short, stunted breaths of running away.
But the big full breaths of facing what is in front of me.
I give myself permission to feel this spaciousness.
The muscles in my face relax now.
Because I am no longer stuck in my mind, thinking of all that could go wrong.
I am gentler with me.
I am kinder with me.
I am more loving with me.
And in turn
I am gentler with others.
I am kinder with others.
I am more loving with others.

If I can get here.
You can too.
I promise.

I will meet you here.

5 Comments Add yours

  1. Rebecca says:

    One of the best pieces I have ever read on here, really resonates with me so thank you to the brave person behind it. Well done

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Ali says:

    This is so honest and also hopeful to read xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Carol says:

    Absolutely stunning in its honest portrayal of the child living with the trauma of parental alcohol abuse. Thank you for sharing your lived experience. It oozes hope for others.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. jmsn says:

    heard with thanks

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Rini says:

    It’s not an easy place to get to, well done it can’t have been easy for you. Thinking of you.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.