I Will Still Try

This is yet another piece by COAisathing superstar Olivia. I am always in awe of her self awareness. I am sure most will relate to these feelings from over Christmas. Remember Nacoa offer help and support to COA’s wherever you find yourself in life. If you would like to share your story then please do get in touch. Also, as a side note, my YouTube channel will be new and improved this year with weekly videos on how I survive in life as a COA and how I still live my best life in spite of my internal struggles. Would love for you guys to subscribe.

Christmas time is a funny time because it brings happiness but at the same time a high amount of sadness. This year is my second Christmas away from an alcoholic parent. I expected Christmas to improve after but it was the same pointless arguments except rather than in person it was over the phone.

Last Christmas being away from my mum I struggled to cope with everything that had happened and the changes that occurred because of it. I had drunk messages and voicemails off my mum every day and Christmas Day consisted off a two hour argument on the phone. My personality severely shifted and I started to get into bad habits and negative thinking and isolated myself. I became withdrawn from everyone and had times where I would freak out but I kept everything I felt to myself and even now I still do, but it was after last Christmas I finally spoke to someone outside of my family about what had been happening.

This Christmas time I have realised one thing and that is that I am still extremely sad. I’ve noticed myself getting into the “Christmas spirit” which is something I have never really done before and it’s only when I sat down and thought about it that I realised I’m trying to make other people happy because I’m not happy. The sadness never went away it was always there but Christmas is like a reminder. I keep it all contained inside as a coping technique which is the long run makes things worse but that’s how I’ve learnt to cope. To push it aside and carry on rather than actually dealing with the problem. In my head it’s much easier to act as though nothing ever happened and to push the feelings away caused by it, than to address it and relive every single day all over again I may not seem sad but I am. I don’t want to be sad but I am and that’s okay. I’m hard on myself when I don’t feel great and I need to realise I don’t have to be okay all the time. There are some days when I’m okay and other days where I will miss school and spend the day crying because everything gets too much. I haven’t spoken to anyone about how I’m feeling including friends because I don’t want to ruin other people’s excitement.

I have many goals for 2019 and it all starts at pushing myself out my comfort zone. I want to talk to people more and be more open without the fear of judgement. I want to develop new healthier coping techniques. I want my personality to shine rather than my past and fear and whilst I’m likely to slip up at times, I will still try.

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